Commie Cats

February 25, 2009

There’s something about the sinister nature of cats that’s captured the hearts and minds of the internet-going public.  Whether it’s cheezburgers or bloopers, people can’t get enough of these furry little guys and their obvious ulterior motives.

I too fell under their spell, dismissing these felines as mildly cute and a little bit arrogant, never suspecting that they were staunch adherents to the tenets of Marxism and ferociously dedicated to the advancement of the proletariat.  One of my agents (on the right) tipped me off to their recent activity, and in the interest of national security I consider it my duty to expose their plot against capitalism.

The propaganda machine is on full display at Rolcats (I wish I was funny enough to come up with these).  

Mother, if my constitution is unfit for gymnast… The grist mill shall become my pommel horse and daily labor my reward!   

Mother, if my constitution is unfit for gymnast… The grist mill shall be my pommel horse and daily labor my reward!

Fresh off the nationalist fervor stoked by the Summer Olympics, it looks like our friends in Beijing are joining in the worldwide revolution (which will most likely go untelevised).

Launching a new campaign, "The Great Pounce Forward"

Launching a new campaign, "The Great Pounce Forward"

Keep alert out there, friends, for who knows what lurks in the shadows?

Listening to: Bobby Jindal lying to me

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Last ate: Chicken super burrito

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The iPhone Cometh

February 22, 2009

In my quest to become a better and more complete person, I bought an iPhone last week. While I was disappointed to find out that they don’t actually come with a subscription to The New Yorker, a Prius and a latte, which I simply assumed, I’ve been enjoying it nonetheless.

Aside from allowing me to be better connected with the world and keep up with news more easily, my iPhone has mostly helped me to become a much ruder person. It’s never been easier to ignore the person right in front of me in order to check my email, play Wurdle (top score: 3280) or update my Facebook status. Thanks iPhone!

I should note that it wasn’t all puppies and rainbows with the iPhone and me, as I had a very public flirtation with the Blackberry Storm back in November. You can see for yourself 26 seconds into the below video.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

While I legitimately enjoyed telling people to “hit me up on my Storm”, that very real perk didn’t outweigh the fact that I found the phone to be far less awesome than I so naively proclaimed to the audience of dozens who saw that CNET clip, and I promptly returned the device.

Let me know if you have any sweet applications for me to download. I’m currently spending an unfortunate amount of time pretending to be a Jedi with the light saber application.

Listening to: Tom Waits – Downtown Train

Last ate: Wheat Thins and cheddar cheese


Friday Shenanigans

February 20, 2009

In my old age, I’ve realized that I’ve become a little bit crotchety.  Here’s a quick list of things I’ve come across that really grind my gears

  • The price of razor blades.
  • How cold my apartment is.
  • That The Wire never won an Emmy
  • This guy

    I actually went to see "Maverick" with this guy's son in 6th grade.  I was even offended then.

    I actually went to see "Maverick" with this guy's son in 6th grade. I was even offended then.

I’m also offended by the “news” on CNN.com, “The Most Trusted Name in News”. I found these hard hitting nuggets of journalistic excellence on the headlines section earlier today:

For all you Snuggie fans: For my birthday a dear friend got me a Snuggie.  This is actually a wonderful gift, given the aforementioned offensively low temperatures in my apartment. There’s a Snuggie Pub crawl going on next month, and I think I should probably go, as there will undoubtedly be women with low standards there.

For all you financiers out there, I’d like to point out that my idea to invest in forver stamps doesn’t seem so crazy now that the price of stamps is going up.  While it’s a conservative investment, in this economy it’s the surest thing around.

Listening to: The Clash – Should I Stay or Should I go

Last ate: An Italian BMT from Subway for dinner by myself.  I know that this is pathetic, and I’m more than a little ashamed.


Craigslist Posting of the Decade

February 19, 2009

Taking it down more than a couple notches from my last post in terms of sincerity and taste, this made me LOL, text is below.

“To the woman that crapped in my car. (NE Portland) 
We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that. 

I thought we had chemistry sitting at McMenamins sharing that basket of Cajun Tots while drinking the Terminator Stout. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you. 

At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don’t feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said “First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me” was meant to be funny, not offensive. 

I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle’s lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don’t think anyone wins 100% of the time. That’s why they call it “gambling”. I’m the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better…like when you’re not sitting on a heated leather seat… 

What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract. 

I await your call, 
Stout 
P.S. – If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early.Touché.”

The author of this post, the hilarious yet unfortunate Tad Keppler, was profiled in the Willamette Week for a recent Valentine’s Day issue, scroll down, he’s featured about halfway down the page.

While on the subject of women having scatological problems on dates, this is a great ad for a locksmith:

Listening to: Noah & The Whale – Shape of My Heart

Last ate: Egg salad and avocado sandwich on toasted wheat bread…messy but delicious


Aging like Inexpensive Wine

February 18, 2009

I turned 27 yesterday, but dont worry, this post isn’t a ploy to get birthday wishes (though it is a ploy to get birthday jet skis).  I was sick and stayed home from work, spending much of the day trying to stay warm in my freezing apartment, writing work emails and feeling a little bit sorry for myself.  After all, cold, sick and lonely doesn’t seem like a promising start to one’s late twenties, does it?

But as the day wore on and the steady stream of Facebook wall posts (the true measure of a person’s worth), emails and phone calls filtered in from so many people who have touched my life over the past 27 years, I quickly became overwhelmed.  I, like most everyone I know, spend so much of my life worrying about the future and where my life is going that I don’t take enough time to really soak in all that I have right now.  So maybe I’m not exactly where I thought I’d be at 27.  I haven’t quite made my millions and I’m still looking for the girl of my dreams, and the pursuit of those and other abstract ideas of what I’ve decided my future’s supposed to look like takes up a whole lot of my time and energy.  

Best birthday book of all-time

Best birthday book of all-time

But after spending the first part of my day thinking that I didn’t have much to show for myself at this ripe old age, I began to realize that, I’ll be damned, maybe I do.  As the notes and well wishes came in from all over, I realized how lucky I’ve been to have surrounded myself with so many wonderfully interesting, fun and thoughtful people whom I love and respect.  I’m honored to have the privilege of calling them friends.  

My point here is not to preach or prosletyze, but rather to ask you to take a quick break from thinking about what you don’t have and how to get it.  We all do it, and I guess it’s part of our lot as humans to spend our time yearning for the things we think we need.  But take a minute to sit back, take a deep breath and really think about what/who you DO have.  If you’re even half as lucky as I am, you’ll realize how amazing it is to be surrounded by so much love.  It’s a wonderful feeling, maybe you just need to be a little bit older to figure out where to find it.

Listening to: Eels – Live at Town Hall

Last ate: Birthday cupcakes


Indecent Proposal?

February 17, 2009

At work I recently received an email from a saleswoman who works for a vendor we’ve done business with in the past.  She was checking to see if there was any chance we would be interested in renewing the partnership, yadda yadda yadda.  I get phone calls and emails like this from time to time, and I usually ignore them.

This one was a little different though, as she included the line: “Can I offer you any incentives to ensure that this partnership takes place?”

How many carrots can she offer?

How many carrots can she offer?

This line piqued my interest, as it sounded suspiciously like the opening to a porno movie. I quickly dismissed that notion, however, knowing full well that my luck isn’t that good.

However, I was still intrigued: what kind of incentives was she offering?  Are we talking Chick-fil-a-type incentives or a briefcase full of unmarked hundreds-type incentives?

I haven’t gotten back to the lady yet, mostly because the partnership doesn’t make much sense from a business perspective. However, let me know if you have any ideas, I’m not above making an outrageous request

Listening to: the new M. Ward album

Last ate: a bowl of Fruit & Yogurt Special K


Friday Confessions

February 13, 2009
  • Sometimes instead of brushing my teeth before going to bed, I just eat some candy
  • I’m wary of men who wear more than one ring
  • I firmly believe that farts are never not funny
  • I think that women rarely buy enough beer
  • Every time I get the handicapped stall when I use the bathroom at work, I chalk it up as a small personal victory

And now, in an interesting mixture of Jethro Tull and Rahzel, here’s a dude fluteboxing.  

For those of you looking to quench your bloodthirst before heading into the weekend, here’s some hardcore cat-on-cat action:

Ferocity defined

Ferocity defined

Listening to: The longing sighs of my coworker, full of regret for missed opportunities and wasted potential
Last ate: Bagel with cream cheese and a slice of tomato