Being a single guy who’s had no luck in dating the opposite sex lately, I’ve found myself going on a lot of man dates. The most recent one was this weekend when we went to see I Love You, Man. In case you’ve been living under a rock, the movie (which was quite funny) is about a guy who goes on a series of man dates to find a new best friend. While there were a number of similarities between the movie and our relationship, my buddy and I didn’t talk about them because such things aren’t done on man dates.
Lenin: advocate of the proletariat and the set shot
It was only natural to take this decorated resume to the big time…that’s right, I’m talking about the Intermediate League at the Parnassus Barnach of the UCSF Gym. I gathered my squad, and we’ve spent the past two months wreaking havoc on the league as the tastefully named Urethra Franklins. This league is largely made up of medical students, and the highlight of the season was when a player on an opposing team actually asked me if we were urologists. I told him that we were.
Despite being one of the worst players on the team, I add value by setting picks and submitting the registration form on time. On Monday we had a heartbreaking playoff loss to a team of fundamentally sound older guys. After the game we drowned our sorrows in beer and took solace in the fact that they’ll probably die before we do.
The new season starts in a couple of weeks, and that means we have to pick a new name. Please cast your vote below:
Last ate: Grilled chicken breast and a salad (bear with me, I’m trying to be healthy)
Listening to: Queen – Fat Bottom Girls (probably the greatest song of the 20th century)
Much of his Neverland Ranch estate is up for auction next month, you can peruse the catalog of items up for sale here. There are more bronze statuettes of children in here than you would expect from a grown man, but not more bronze statuettes of children than you would expect from Michael Jackson.
I had this poster over my bed in college. It didn't creep girls out at all.
And lastly, he announced a new 50 show engagement in London. That’s right, because of mounting financial pressure due to enormous legal fees incurred in defending himself against multiple child molestation charges he loves his fans so much, MJ announced that he’ll be doing the string of concerts. You can see his announcement in the supremely bizarre press conference below.
Oh yeah, I GOT TICKETS TO ONE OF THE SHOWS. After getting home late from playing pool with a friend (who cleverly took advantage of the fact that I suck at pool), I discovered that presale tickets had just become available in London. I was able to scrounge up enough pounds to buy a few, so I’ll be shipping off to London with my brother to bask/cower in his glory/weirdness. Good times!
I had a lengthy conversation with a friend the other day about the economy, and I was momentarily inspired to write a 3,000 word post on stagflation. I soon realized that I don’t know what stagflation means, however, and quickly put the idea to rest.
Get it? It's a play on words. I can't believe you didn't get it.
One of the more extraordinary things I’ve seen recently was Andy Rooney’s segment on 60 Minutes this week. The only conceivable reason he’s still on the air is that the over-200 demographic still kind of likes him. In the below clip he takes on the controversial topic of “the months”…I’m still waiting to hear back from the CBS customer service department to see if they’ll give me those three minutes of my life back.
WARNING: Watching this clip will make you dumber.
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Because nothing can really follow that, below is a low-quality rainbow photo taken from my office.
The pot of gold was in Oakland, where it was promptly stolen.
Last ate: Got totally ripped off at Burgermeister: A chessebruger, curly fries and a beer for $21
Listening to: Tracks of My Tears – Smokey Robinson & The Miracles
I just got back from the dentist, and the funniest thing about the whole experience to me is when you’re making a follow up appointment after you’ve seen the doctor. The exchange invariably goes something like this:
Receptionist: Are you free at 9:40 on a Friday in 7 months?
Free colonoscopy – In a blatant attempt to piggyback off the rousing success of this blog (a way more likely scenario than promoting public health), CBS has launched a new sweepstakes that offers a free colonoscopy to the winner. I wholeheartedly support adequate gastroenterological care for all, but am disappointed that the Tiffany Network would hold this contest without offering me royalties, or at least a free colonoscopy myself.
I too fell under their spell, dismissing these felines as mildly cute and a little bit arrogant, never suspecting that they were staunch adherents to the tenets of Marxism and ferociously dedicated to the advancement of the proletariat. One of my agents (on the right) tipped me off to their recent activity, and in the interest of national security I consider it my duty to expose their plot against capitalism.
The propaganda machine is on full display at Rolcats (I wish I was funny enough to come up with these).
Mother, if my constitution is unfit for gymnast… The grist mill shall be my pommel horse and daily labor my reward!
Fresh off the nationalist fervor stoked by the Summer Olympics, it looks like our friends in Beijing are joining in the worldwide revolution (which will most likely go untelevised).
Launching a new campaign, "The Great Pounce Forward"
Keep alert out there, friends, for who knows what lurks in the shadows?
In my quest to become a better and more complete person, I bought an iPhone last week. While I was disappointed to find out that they don’t actually come with a subscription to The New Yorker, a Prius and a latte, which I simply assumed, I’ve been enjoying it nonetheless.
Aside from allowing me to be better connected with the world and keep up with news more easily, my iPhone has mostly helped me to become a much ruder person. It’s never been easier to ignore the person right in front of me in order to check my email, play Wurdle (top score: 3280) or update my Facebook status. Thanks iPhone!
I should note that it wasn’t all puppies and rainbows with the iPhone and me, as I had a very public flirtation with the Blackberry Storm back in November. You can see for yourself 26 seconds into the below video.
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While I legitimately enjoyed telling people to “hit me up on my Storm”, that very real perk didn’t outweigh the fact that I found the phone to be far less awesome than I so naively proclaimed to the audience of dozens who saw that CNET clip, and I promptly returned the device.
For all you Snuggie fans: For my birthday a dear friend got me a Snuggie. This is actually a wonderful gift, given the aforementioned offensively low temperatures in my apartment. There’s a Snuggie Pub crawl going on next month, and I think I should probably go, as there will undoubtedly be women with low standards there.