Friday Shenanigans

I just got back from the dentist, and the funniest thing about the whole experience to me is when you’re making a follow up appointment after you’ve seen the doctor.  The exchange invariably goes something like this:

Receptionist:  Are you free at 9:40 on a Friday in 7 months?

Me: Uh…probably

Free colonoscopy – In a blatant attempt to piggyback off the rousing success of this blog (a way more likely scenario than promoting public health), CBS has launched a new sweepstakes that offers a free colonoscopy to the winner.   I wholeheartedly support adequate gastroenterological care for all, but am disappointed that the Tiffany Network would hold this contest without offering me royalties, or at least a free colonoscopy myself.

If you’ve got some time to kill – Here’s a comprehensive list of the 99 biggest clips/sites on the “internet” in recent history.  You’ve probably seen a lot of these, and there are a couple of stinkers, but it’s always a good idea to brush up on your “falling while grape stomping” or “really really stupid Miss South Carolina response“.  

To end this edition of shenanigans, below is a gem of a letter a good friend recently dug up.  It’s a letter she sent home when she was at sleep away camp as a kid.

 

It's not just the sentimentality that gets me in this letter, it's also how grateful she is.

She still gets angry if you don’t bring her chips or cookies.

Listening to: Yeasayer – Tightrope
 

 
Last ate: Two brownies

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Commie Cats

There’s something about the sinister nature of cats that’s captured the hearts and minds of the internet-going public.  Whether it’s cheezburgers or bloopers, people can’t get enough of these furry little guys and their obvious ulterior motives.

I too fell under their spell, dismissing these felines as mildly cute and a little bit arrogant, never suspecting that they were staunch adherents to the tenets of Marxism and ferociously dedicated to the advancement of the proletariat.  One of my agents (on the right) tipped me off to their recent activity, and in the interest of national security I consider it my duty to expose their plot against capitalism.

The propaganda machine is on full display at Rolcats (I wish I was funny enough to come up with these).  

   

Mother, if my constitution is unfit for gymnast… The grist mill shall be my pommel horse and daily labor my reward!

Fresh off the nationalist fervor stoked by the Summer Olympics, it looks like our friends in Beijing are joining in the worldwide revolution (which will most likely go untelevised).

Launching a new campaign, "The Great Pounce Forward"

Keep alert out there, friends, for who knows what lurks in the shadows?

Listening to: Bobby Jindal lying to me

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Last ate: Chicken super burrito

The iPhone Cometh

In my quest to become a better and more complete person, I bought an iPhone last week. While I was disappointed to find out that they don’t actually come with a subscription to The New Yorker, a Prius and a latte, which I simply assumed, I’ve been enjoying it nonetheless.

Aside from allowing me to be better connected with the world and keep up with news more easily, my iPhone has mostly helped me to become a much ruder person. It’s never been easier to ignore the person right in front of me in order to check my email, play Wurdle (top score: 3280) or update my Facebook status. Thanks iPhone!

I should note that it wasn’t all puppies and rainbows with the iPhone and me, as I had a very public flirtation with the Blackberry Storm back in November. You can see for yourself 26 seconds into the below video.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

While I legitimately enjoyed telling people to “hit me up on my Storm”, that very real perk didn’t outweigh the fact that I found the phone to be far less awesome than I so naively proclaimed to the audience of dozens who saw that CNET clip, and I promptly returned the device.

Let me know if you have any sweet applications for me to download. I’m currently spending an unfortunate amount of time pretending to be a Jedi with the light saber application.

Listening to: Tom Waits – Downtown Train

Last ate: Wheat Thins and cheddar cheese

Friday Shenanigans

In my old age, I’ve realized that I’ve become a little bit crotchety.  Here’s a quick list of things I’ve come across that really grind my gears: 

• The price of razor blades.
• How cold my apartment is.
• That The Wire never won an Emmy
• This guy
  

  I actually went to see "Maverick" with this guy's son in 6th grade. I was even offended then.

I’m also offended by the “news” on CNN.com, “The Most Trusted Name in News”. I found these hard hitting nuggets of journalistic excellence on the headlines section earlier today:

• Ugly whales get love and protection, too
• Blind woman demands acid in attacker’s eyes
• Economy puts bite on shark attacks, researcher says

For all you Snuggie fans: For my birthday a dear friend got me a Snuggie.  This is actually a wonderful gift, given the aforementioned offensively low temperatures in my apartment. There’s a Snuggie Pub crawl going on next month, and I think I should probably go, as there will undoubtedly be women with low standards there.

For all you financiers out there, I’d like to point out that my idea to invest in forver stamps doesn’t seem so crazy now that the price of stamps is going up.  While it’s a conservative investment, in this economy it’s the surest thing around.

Listening to: The Clash – Should I Stay or Should I go

Last ate: An Italian BMT from Subway for dinner by myself.  I know that this is pathetic, and I’m more than a little ashamed.

Craigslist Posting of the Decade

Taking it down more than a couple notches from my last post in terms of sincerity and taste, this made me LOL, text is below.

“To the woman that crapped in my car. (NE Portland) 
We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that. 

I thought we had chemistry sitting at McMenamins sharing that basket of Cajun Tots while drinking the Terminator Stout. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you. 

At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don’t feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said “First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me” was meant to be funny, not offensive. 

I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle’s lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don’t think anyone wins 100% of the time. That’s why they call it “gambling”. I’m the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better…like when you’re not sitting on a heated leather seat… 

What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract. 

I await your call, 
Stout 
P.S. – If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early.Touché.”

The author of this post, the hilarious yet unfortunate Tad Keppler, was profiled in the Willamette Week for a recent Valentine’s Day issue, scroll down, he’s featured about halfway down the page.

While on the subject of women having scatological problems on dates, this is a great ad for a locksmith:

Listening to: Noah & The Whale – Shape of My Heart

Last ate: Egg salad and avocado sandwich on toasted wheat bread…messy but delicious

Aging like Inexpensive Wine

I turned 27 yesterday, but dont worry, this post isn’t a ploy to get birthday wishes (though it is a ploy to get birthday jet skis).  I was sick and stayed home from work, spending much of the day trying to stay warm in my freezing apartment, writing work emails and feeling a little bit sorry for myself.  After all, cold, sick and lonely doesn’t seem like a promising start to one’s late twenties, does it?

But as the day wore on and the steady stream of Facebook wall posts (the true measure of a person’s worth), emails and phone calls filtered in from so many people who have touched my life over the past 27 years, I quickly became overwhelmed.  I, like most everyone I know, spend so much of my life worrying about the future and where my life is going that I don’t take enough time to really soak in all that I have right now.  So maybe I’m not exactly where I thought I’d be at 27.  I haven’t quite made my millions and I’m still looking for the girl of my dreams, and the pursuit of those and other abstract ideas of what I’ve decided my future’s supposed to look like takes up a whole lot of my time and energy.  

Best birthday book of all-time

But after spending the first part of my day thinking that I didn’t have much to show for myself at this ripe old age, I began to realize that, I’ll be damned, maybe I do.  As the notes and well wishes came in from all over, I realized how lucky I’ve been to have surrounded myself with so many wonderfully interesting, fun and thoughtful people whom I love and respect.  I’m honored to have the privilege of calling them friends.  

My point here is not to preach or prosletyze, but rather to ask you to take a quick break from thinking about what you don’t have and how to get it.  We all do it, and I guess it’s part of our lot as humans to spend our time yearning for the things we think we need.  But take a minute to sit back, take a deep breath and really think about what/who you DO have.  If you’re even half as lucky as I am, you’ll realize how amazing it is to be surrounded by so much love.  It’s a wonderful feeling, maybe you just need to be a little bit older to figure out where to find it.

Listening to: Eels – Live at Town Hall

Last ate: Birthday cupcakes

Indecent Proposal?

At work I recently received an email from a saleswoman who works for a vendor we’ve done business with in the past.  She was checking to see if there was any chance we would be interested in renewing the partnership, yadda yadda yadda.  I get phone calls and emails like this from time to time, and I usually ignore them.

This one was a little different though, as she included the line: “Can I offer you any incentives to ensure that this partnership takes place?”

How many carrots can she offer?

This line piqued my interest, as it sounded suspiciously like the opening to a porno movie. I quickly dismissed that notion, however, knowing full well that my luck isn’t that good.

However, I was still intrigued: what kind of incentives was she offering?  Are we talking Chick-fil-a-type incentives or a briefcase full of unmarked hundreds-type incentives?

I haven’t gotten back to the lady yet, mostly because the partnership doesn’t make much sense from a business perspective. However, let me know if you have any ideas, I’m not above making an outrageous request. 

Listening to: the new M. Ward album

Last ate: a bowl of Fruit & Yogurt Special K

Friday Confessions

• Sometimes instead of brushing my teeth before going to bed, I just eat some candy
• I’m wary of men who wear more than one ring
• I firmly believe that farts are never not funny
• I think that women rarely buy enough beer
• Every time I get the handicapped stall when I use the bathroom at work, I chalk it up as a small personal victory

And now, in an interesting mixture of Jethro Tull and Rahzel, here’s a dude fluteboxing.  

For those of you looking to quench your bloodthirst before heading into the weekend, here’s some hardcore cat-on-cat action:

Ferocity defined

Listening to: The longing sighs of my coworker, full of regret for missed opportunities and wasted potential
Last ate: Bagel with cream cheese and a slice of tomato

Good Morning San Francisco! (and “Hey, how’s it going?” to the rest of you)

Shot from Twin Peaks, this is an awesome time lapsed video of the sun rising up over the Sucka Free, done by a guy named Chad Richard. You can check out some of his other videos here. I can only think of one better way to start the day. Make sure the sound is on, there’s a cool song.

For all you patrons of Trader Joe’s, there’s a terrific viral video making its way around the internets. I’m a little upset that it doesn’t mention my beloved Vanilla Almond Clusters, but any fan of the store will enjoy this.

And lastly, if you’ve been following the news at all you’ve heard about the terrible wildfires in Australia. There are some pretty amazing photos of the carnage here. There’s a certain apocalyptic quality to these.

Listening to: Morning Edition on NPR
Last ate: A little toothpaste by accident

“36 Hours in Vegas”, or “A Fiscally Irresponsible Weekend”

Hello Colinoscopy fans.  Sorry I took a few days off from posting, but I spent the past weekend in Las Vegas and I’m just now starting to recover.  

I went with a group of friends and we had a hell of a time.  The gracious Eric Barkdoll, my man in Nebraska, was able to finagle us comped rooms at the Flamingo.  While the hotel has a bit of a Del Boca Vista feel to it, it’s got a great location and Donnie & Marie Osmond were performing there.  We almost went to see them until we realized that they really suck.  I would definitely recommend staying at the Flamingo if you can get a room for free.

 

                                 Our palace

 

It rained while we were there, which seemed odd in the desert, but luckily there were plenty of indoor activities to keep us occupied.  I spent a good deal of the time at the tables, which was a bad idea considering that I’m a terrible and awkward gambler.  I have the poker face of a puppy who just pooped in the house and I’m easier to read than a John Grisham bestseller, but I didn’t let any of these character flaws get in the way of my fun (In this case, “fun” means “losing hundreds of dollars”).    

Some thoughts/highlights of the trip:

• I wish I could explain why I routinely walk 4 blocks at lunch to save $0.75 on a tuna sandwich but had few qualms about losing $100 on one spin of the roulette wheel.  I should point out that when walking to buy tuna sandwiches I’ve generally slept more than three hours the night before and haven’t been given multiple free Crown & Cokes.
• The pizza at New York, New York is better than anything you can get in San Francisco.
• I spent $16 on a candy apple.  I feel really stupid about this.
• It’s almost impossible to make a dealer laugh…they’ve heard em all before.  Except for the one about Ronald Reagan, a rabbi and the Vienna Boys Choir.  They hadn’t heard that one.
• My friend went to the ATM three times between 2 am and 6 am on Sunday morning.
• The Flamingo buffet was reasonably priced at $21.   And they have soft serve!
• I slipped on the wet pavement and fell flat on my back on the ramp from the MGM Grand to New York, New York.  This should have hurt more than it did.
• The airport smells like a healthy mix of coconut sunscreen and quiet desperation.

It was a great trip, though I probably don’t need to go back until I win the lottery or Donnie & Marie stop sucking, whichever comes first.

 

Listening to: Elvis Presley – Can’t Help Falling in Love

Last ate: Nicoise salad