Colinoscopy

I mandate a man date

C$ — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 07:01:02 +0000

Being a single guy who’s had no luck in dating the opposite sex lately, I’ve found myself going on a lot of man dates. The most recent one was this weekend when we went to see I Love You, Man. In case you’ve been living under a rock, the movie (which was quite funny) is about a guy who goes on a series of man dates to find a new best friend. While there were a number of similarities between the movie and our relationship, my buddy and I didn’t talk about them because such things aren’t done on man dates.

This is one of your weirder man dates

I caught one of the stars of I Love You, Man, Jason Segel, on Fresh Air the other day and he got it right when he talked about male friendships…it’s tougher for men to make same sex friends as we get older, while women can go into the bathroom and come out with a new best friend. So it’s important for guys to hold on to and foster these relationships. In fact, it’s commonplace in many Asian cultures for men to hold hands to show affection. ***Easy joke alert*** This practice is also quite common here in San Francisco, but I’m not quite at that level yet.

Last ate: some rice pilaf

Listening to: An awesome rendition of “Stand By Me” by the international organization Playing for Change. I guarantee this will make you feel good.

March Mild Angriness

C$ — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 06:42:32 +0000

Having just watched Western Kentucky hold on to upset Illinois in the NCAA Tournament, I couldn’t help but chime in on my favorite sport: basketball. I’ve always loved the game, and follow it closely. In fact, I was first turned on to Barack Obama in the midst of the Democratic primary when I learned that he’s a baller.

I play a little as well, and have built up a nice list of accomplishments over my storied career. Highlights are:

I once dunked a tennis ball on a 9 foot hoop in August of 2000
Getting cut from my high school basketball team three years in a row
A dominant stretch from 2005 to 2006 when I established myself as a top 5 player among regulars at the Duboce Park court

Lenin: advocate of the proletariat and the set shot

It was only natural to take this decorated resume to the big time…that’s right, I’m talking about the Intermediate League at the Parnassus Barnach of the UCSF Gym. I gathered my squad, and we’ve spent the past two months wreaking havoc on the league as the tastefully named Urethra Franklins. This league is largely made up of medical students, and the highlight of the season was when a player on an opposing team actually asked me if we were urologists. I told him that we were.

Despite being one of the worst players on the team, I add value by setting picks and submitting the registration form on time. On Monday we had a heartbreaking playoff loss to a team of fundamentally sound older guys. After the game we drowned our sorrows in beer and took solace in the fact that they’ll probably die before we do.

The new season starts in a couple of weeks, and that means we have to pick a new name. Please cast your vote below:

Last ate: Grilled chicken breast and a salad (bear with me, I’m trying to be healthy)

Listening to: Queen – Fat Bottom Girls (probably the greatest song of the 20th century)

Things to Look at and Click on

C$ — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 05:16:12 +0000

If you’re a sandwich-lover, and I hope that you are, you’ll enjoy this site exploring what’s between that bread: check out Scanwiches.

Chicken salad, Cheddar, Avocado, Bacon, Lettuce, Tomato on a hero

This next clip is for fans of Mad Men, as well as for fans of laughing. John “I’m Don f*$@ing Draper” Hamm is interviewed by comedian Zack Galifianakis interviews in another installment of the hard-hitting interview show you’ve come to know and love, “Between Two Ferns”.

Last ate: Grilled snapper and rice pilaf
Listening to: Panda Bear – Bros

Rhymes with Jichael Mackson

C$ — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 05:32:06 +0000

It’s been a big week for the King of Pop. Allow me to break it down for you.

Much of his Neverland Ranch estate is up for auction next month, you can peruse the catalog of items up for sale here. There are more bronze statuettes of children in here than you would expect from a grown man, but not more bronze statuettes of children than you would expect from Michael Jackson.

I had this poster over my bed in college. It didn't creep girls out at all.

It was Michael Jackson night on American Idol. I’m not an Idol watcher, but I did happen upon this clip of one contestant doing a killer “PYT”

And lastly, he announced a new 50 show engagement in London. That’s right, because ~~of mounting financial pressure due to enormous legal fees incurred in defending himself against multiple child molestation charges~~ he loves his fans so much, MJ announced that he’ll be doing the string of concerts. You can see his announcement in the supremely bizarre press conference below.

Oh yeah, I GOT TICKETS TO ONE OF THE SHOWS. After getting home late from playing pool with a friend (who cleverly took advantage of the fact that I suck at pool), I discovered that presale tickets had just become available in London. I was able to scrounge up enough pounds to buy a few, so I’ll be shipping off to London with my brother to bask/cower in his glory/weirdness. Good times!

Last ate: a Red Delicious apple (emphasis mine)

Listening to: Michael Jackson – Dirty Diana

Friday Shenanigans – Hudson Hongo Edition

C$ — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 18:45:26 +0000

I had a lengthy conversation with a friend the other day about the economy, and I was momentarily inspired to write a 3,000 word post on stagflation. I soon realized that I don’t know what stagflation means, however, and quickly put the idea to rest.

Get it? It's a play on words. I can't believe you didn't get it.

Instead, I’d like to turn this post over to the awesomely named Hudson Hongo and his highly amusing McSweeney’s List.

COURT CASES WITH WHICH I AM FAMILIAR.
BY HUDSON HONGO

The City of Eugene v. Hudson Hongo (2004)

Roe v. Wade (1973)

The City of Eugene v. Hudson Hongo (2005)

Plessy v. Ferguson (1896)

The City of Tacoma v. Hudson Hongo (2006)

Brown v. Board of Education (1954)

Hudson Hongo v. Outback Steakhouse (2007)

Great List, Hudson. You’re the man now, dog!

Last ate: A Thin Mint, unoftunately not frozen

Listening to: The National – Fake Empire

Andy Rooney Ponders the Months, Embarasses Himself

C$ — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 09:06:12 +0000

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while, I’ve had a lot of TPS reports to do this week at the office.

One of the more extraordinary things I’ve seen recently was Andy Rooney’s segment on 60 Minutes this week. The only conceivable reason he’s still on the air is that the over-200 demographic still kind of likes him. In the below clip he takes on the controversial topic of “the months”…I’m still waiting to hear back from the CBS customer service department to see if they’ll give me those three minutes of my life back.

WARNING: Watching this clip will make you dumber.

Because nothing can really follow that, below is a low-quality rainbow photo taken from my office.

Last ate: Got totally ripped off at Burgermeister: A chessebruger, curly fries and a beer for $21

Listening to: Tracks of My Tears – Smokey Robinson & The Miracles

Friday Shenanigans

C$ — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 10:27:47 +0000

I just got back from the dentist, and the funniest thing about the whole experience to me is when you’re making a follow up appointment after you’ve seen the doctor. The exchange invariably goes something like this:

Receptionist: Are you free at 9:40 on a Friday in 7 months?

Me: Uh…probably

Free colonoscopy - In a blatant attempt to piggyback off the rousing success of this blog (a way more likely scenario than promoting public health), CBS has launched a new sweepstakes that offers a free colonoscopy to the winner. I wholeheartedly support adequate gastroenterological care for all, but am disappointed that the Tiffany Network would hold this contest without offering me royalties, or at least a free colonoscopy myself.

If you’ve got some time to kill - Here’s a comprehensive list of the 99 biggest clips/sites on the “internet” in recent history. You’ve probably seen a lot of these, and there are a couple of stinkers, but it’s always a good idea to brush up on your “falling while grape stomping” or “really really stupid Miss South Carolina response“.

To end this edition of shenanigans, below is a gem of a letter a good friend recently dug up. It’s a letter she sent home when she was at sleep away camp as a kid.

It's not just the sentimentality that gets me in this letter, it's also how grateful she is.

She still gets angry if you don’t bring her chips or cookies.

Listening to: Yeasayer – Tightrope

Last ate: Two brownies

Commie Cats

C$ — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 08:39:39 +0000

There’s something about the sinister nature of cats that’s captured the hearts and minds of the internet-going public. Whether it’s cheezburgers or bloopers, people can’t get enough of these furry little guys and their obvious ulterior motives.

I too fell under their spell, dismissing these felines as mildly cute and a little bit arrogant, never suspecting that they were staunch adherents to the tenets of Marxism and ferociously dedicated to the advancement of the proletariat. One of my agents (on the right) tipped me off to their recent activity, and in the interest of national security I consider it my duty to expose their plot against capitalism.

The propaganda machine is on full display at Rolcats (I wish I was funny enough to come up with these).

Mother, if my constitution is unfit for gymnast… The grist mill shall be my pommel horse and daily labor my reward!

Fresh off the nationalist fervor stoked by the Summer Olympics, it looks like our friends in Beijing are joining in the worldwide revolution (which will most likely go untelevised).

Launching a new campaign, "The Great Pounce Forward"

Keep alert out there, friends, for who knows what lurks in the shadows?

Listening to: Bobby Jindal lying to me

Last ate: Chicken super burrito

The iPhone Cometh

C$ — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 06:42:02 +0000

In my quest to become a better and more complete person, I bought an iPhone last week. While I was disappointed to find out that they don’t actually come with a subscription to The New Yorker, a Prius and a latte, which I simply assumed, I’ve been enjoying it nonetheless.

Aside from allowing me to be better connected with the world and keep up with news more easily, my iPhone has mostly helped me to become a much ruder person. It’s never been easier to ignore the person right in front of me in order to check my email, play Wurdle (top score: 3280) or update my Facebook status. Thanks iPhone!

I should note that it wasn’t all puppies and rainbows with the iPhone and me, as I had a very public flirtation with the Blackberry Storm back in November. You can see for yourself 26 seconds into the below video.

While I legitimately enjoyed telling people to “hit me up on my Storm”, that very real perk didn’t outweigh the fact that I found the phone to be far less awesome than I so naively proclaimed to the audience of dozens who saw that CNET clip, and I promptly returned the device.

Let me know if you have any sweet applications for me to download. I’m currently spending an unfortunate amount of time pretending to be a Jedi with the light saber application.

Listening to: Tom Waits – Downtown Train

Last ate: Wheat Thins and cheddar cheese

Friday Shenanigans

C$ — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 09:54:20 +0000

In my old age, I’ve realized that I’ve become a little bit crotchety. Here’s a quick list of things I’ve come across that really grind my gears:

The price of razor blades.
How cold my apartment is.
That The Wire never won an Emmy
This guy
I actually went to see "Maverick" with this guy's son in 6th grade. I was even offended then.

I’m also offended by the “news” on CNN.com, “The Most Trusted Name in News”. I found these hard hitting nuggets of journalistic excellence on the headlines section earlier today:

For all you Snuggie fans: For my birthday a dear friend got me a Snuggie. This is actually a wonderful gift, given the aforementioned offensively low temperatures in my apartment. There’s a Snuggie Pub crawl going on next month, and I think I should probably go, as there will undoubtedly be women with low standards there.

For all you financiers out there, I’d like to point out that my idea to invest in forver stamps doesn’t seem so crazy now that the price of stamps is going up. While it’s a conservative investment, in this economy it’s the surest thing around.

Listening to: The Clash – Should I Stay or Should I go

Last ate: An Italian BMT from Subway for dinner by myself. I know that this is pathetic, and I’m more than a little ashamed.